Oh Hey Thereeee

Well, it's been a hot minute, hasn't it??? I'm chilling in Virginia again, waiting anxiously to find out if this CaronaVirus is gonna wipe out my town and job or not. Fingers crossed this doesn't turn this place into 18th century France... But who knows!

Anyway, I'm just gonna keep plugging along and doing my thing until I can't anymore! What else can I do?

The reason I randomly chose to write tonight was because I felt like making a rant somewhere, but wasn't sure if I wanted it public or not. But this is a nice basically private (cuz does anyone ever read these anymore???) format. The topic of tonight's random rant, you ask? It is uteruses, birth control, and changing ideas.

So, since I was a kid I have been against IVF, even before I knew what it really meant. I made up reasons to be against it, even though I knew it was really just because I was so jaded by my mom's choices. However, I now still disagree with IVF; partially cuz I think we are already overpopulated, and it's evolution and partially because it's unfair. Anyway, I've started thinking that I don't ever want to birth my own children, I want to adopt because I shouldn't pass on my genes to anyone--it would be unfair when I'm so pre-disposed to pass on depression, ADHD, etc. But then I read this article today about endometriosis, and it's symptoms, causes, etc. I am almost certain I have it, and apparently what I always said was my greatest fear (and truly was, until about 2 years ago), that I would not be able to have children, is likely TRUE. LOL! Glad it's not my biggest fear anymore. The article went on to talk about how having the disease meant you probably have a harder time conceiving, and might not be able to even use IVF successfully. LOLLLLLL!!!!! But see, where someone else might then go: IM GOING TO DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO CHANGE THIS; I just laugh and go,
"Whelp! It just means I'm making the right choice about not doing IVF, even the universe agrees that I shouldn't be pro-creating!" I just wish more people thought that way, because then there would be a whole lot less of kids in the system. And honestly? If by the time I'm 30 and ready to have kids, ready to completely settle my life. I'm going to look into being a foster parent, doesn't matter if it's an older or younger child. Because I do want to parent and have kids around eventually. But first I want to settle my finances and see if I want to date. So anyway, I've got 3 more years of partying until I need/want to start settling down for good--no more random trips, etc.


More later!
merlin look up

Amazing Grace

I don't exactly know why, but somehow I have reached a sense of calm about my job ending. I thought I would be broken and suicidal again, now that it is truly over. I cried a lot on Wednesday, I won't deny that. And I self harmed on Tuesday (I scratched my arm until it bled...). But I made it all through Wednesday pretty easily, and I am pretty certain I have Poseidon to thank for that.

Then on Thursday, I ended up spending it in the kitchens cooking with friends, and I had a marvelous Thanksgiving--despite having lost my job the day before. I then had a yummy dinner with friends and came home to relax in bed before falling asleep around midnight. It was a wonderful Thanksgiving, all in all.

And that feeling of joy that I had yesterday has trickled over to today, and even though I turned in my costumes and ID today, I don't feel like crying. Instead I feel pretty at ease, and quite calm, almost content with life. I guess I just have hope right now; hope that things will turn out just fine. Hope that I will get my job back, hope that my trip to CA will go smoothly, hope that life will take its course and won't throw me through too many more hurricanes anytime soon.

I'm enjoying this sense of calm, and taking my therapist's advice--to not over think it, to not anticipate a fall into sorrow and despair.

More later,
When I say Im okay

"I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend..."

The day started alright, I was determined to be more productive and positive than I have been for the most of this week. But then I went to feed the horses, in a relatively good mood, only to discover that my brother had NOT given the horses their supliments last night. We had a deal: I picked up and paid for pizza last night, and he would do the animals. I even specified that he needed to do the supliments, and asked him afterwards if he had, and he lied right to me in saying, "Yes, I did them." I know he didn't because I had prepared them all that morning, and they were just as I had left them this morning. We have one horse that is in pain without her medication--which is included in her supliment. And the other horses will lose a LOT of weight if they don't have their supliments--as in they will become very underweight. So why does he not grasp the importance of giving the supliments?

And so after some frustrating minutes on that, I got over it and moved on with the day--still determined to make it better. I went to the store, and that was all fine. Until I was leaving and stood waiting for a long while for someone to come over and verify my signature--I did self check-out. And then I get to my car and am about to back out of the space, when a woman comes up and blocks my way by parking her cart right up against my car and opening her door as she very slowly loaded her car up. I waited patiently, trying not to let it get to me. And then she goes and gives me a dirty look as she closes her door and walks to put the cart away. WHAT THE HELL? That was difficult to shake off... but I managed it.

Went home, relaxed after doing dishes and unloading the groceries. Watched some of The Flash and Arrow, and then went to meet my friend and her boyfriend to go to the beach. That was a lot of fun. We played, digging in the sad as ever and just having a great time at the beach before heading into town and getting dinner. I also broke my sandal as I was getting into the car from the beach. Randomly--luckily?--there was a sandal that was the same foot I had broken on the side of the road (where I was parked). So I grabbed that and we went to the mall in town, I grabbed some new sandals, and we got dinner and drinks, walked around, and went to the pier. It was a lot of fun and I was thinking that the day was adding up to being a wonderful day. Until....

I got home and discovered that at 11pm, the horses were still unfed. The barn lights were on, so clearly they (my mother and brother and his girlfriend) had left when it was already dark, and my mother knew I was not going to be home any time soon. And yet, did they feed the horses before going out? Nope, of course not. So then I lost it. I cried out of anger, I wanted so very very very very badly to cut. To wreck the house. To break the mirror in the bathroom and run the glass across my arms, ankles, maybe even worse. But I didnt. Instead, I put on Carrie Underwood's "Toy Guns" on repeat, got into the shower and stood under boiling water for at least 20 minutes, maybe more. And then when that wasn't enough--I was still crying and choking and shaking in anger--I started pressing my nails into my arm and running them up my inner arm repeatedly. And then after doing that for a good long while, I stuck my arms directly under the shower head. The buringing from that helped to calm my nerves. So I managed to not cut, which is big. Whether I can totally say I avoided self-harm at all, is debatable.

What frightens me most is that this is the second time this week that I have had such a burning desire to self-harm. Being home right now is clearly not helping my mental state.

Anyway, this is a long rant.... I'm going to watch an episode of something and then go to bed. I don't think I'll have a nice rest if I just go to bed right now. I still am not in the best of places. I know from experience that going to bed with a foul temper proves to be either a restless night, or I wake up with the same mood. Sorry for the long rant, but I needed it.

More later,

Love in the Time of Dragons

I have a lot of homework to do. One giant research paper on Merlin, for my research seminar (15-20pg long). One essay on A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, for my Arthurian class (6-7pg long). One map of Grettir's Saga with a research essay describing my creative process, for my Scandinavian class (5pg long). Lot's of reading, most of which I'm blowing off--the only class I've consistantly done the reading for this semester is my Arthurian one (suprise, suprise). And two finals--one for Arthurian, one for Danish--neither of which should be very difficult. So, yay, that's my life for the next three weeks. But then it's graduation ceremony (even though I technically don't graduate for another semester), war and summer!!! Still.... I'll be sad when this semester is over, mainly I don't want my Arthurian class to end. I love it so much...

I also have a strong and wrather obnoxious infatuation with my Arthurian professor. Which is a problem, hence the obnoxiousness of it. He is probably 30-31, and a medievalist, and really intelligent, cynical, kind, tall and basically everything that sums up my "type". And he is married, with a 6-month-old son. Soooooo nothing is going to happen, in fact I would think much less of him if something did (I don't like Launcelot's! haha, get it, cuz he's my Arthurian professor?). It being a "safer" infatuation (because there is no risk of anything happening, so I'm not at risk of getting hurt), makes it a stronger one and harder to quell. But I don't just have a crush on him, because I also just really like being in his office hours and talking to him as a professor and a person (friend?). He is one of the very few professors that I feel totally comfortable going in and talking to--whether it is about class or graduate school, or anything else. He's helped me so much, between talking to me repeatedly about my essay topics, or discussing graduate school, what he did to get to where he is, what teachers he recommends, etc. I really appreciate all the help he's given me, and I'll be sad to not see him every Monday and Wednesday morning when the semester is over...

But alas, the world keeps turning and I must keep moving forward. Hopefully I'll still see him around campus. I tell myself that his welcoming smiles and progressively more laid back attitude when I talk to him in office hours, are signs that he does enjoy talking to me and answering all my off-topic questions. So maybe I'll still have some contact with him after the semester is over...?

Anyway! I need to finish my reading for my Arthurian class, and maybe watch an episode of Turn before running off to bed. And then it's more school and essay work and reading tomorrow!

More later,

merlin look up


What to say, that I have not already said?...

I am no longer in search of housing. I found a really nice house and most likely have found a housemate/roommate. I cannot move in until this Saturday. Two more days of crashing at friends and sleeping in hotels.

Classes are going just fine. Homework is kicking up, but I have so far stayed on top of it all.

So where is the problem? Why am I writing this now, because we all know I rarely write on here just for the fun of it.

Well, I feel like such a sassanach as of late. An outlander. Part of it is clearly because I am not moved in, yet I am going to classes and living in Berkeley. Im a bit of a wanderer at the moment. But there is more to it than that, I know it. And I have a good idea of where it stems from... I have been obsessing and reading and watching Outlander for the past several months, and as much as I love it, it continually reminds me of how deep my longing for another century is. I have always felt out of place in my life. I don't just mean that I feel awkward or with the wrong people... I am in the wrong time. The wrong society, the wrong world. It may sound dramatic, but it is how I feel.

I doubt I'm the only one in the world who feels this way, but I am the only one that I personally know of. Perhaps someday I shall meet another sassenach. Another person who has learned to handle this world, but has never truly felt like s/he belongs. I cannot express how thankful I would be for a portal to take me back in time. To another century. To a time when things were simple, and though like was rough and a physical struggle, the mind and body were to focused on surviving to worry about depression and mental illness.

Yes, I love being able to wear pants and swimsuits and dye my hair and have liberties and rights and respect as a woman and person and medicine and health care and education but.... In all honesty I would give it all up in a heartbeat for wearing long skirts in hot weather and blisters while plowing a field and having only horses for transporation. I really would.

I am a sassenach. I do not belong here. In Europe I do feel a little more like I have a place, though I do not know exactly why. Perhaps because history is more alive in European countries and cities. Perhaps because it sometimes feels less modern than the USA. Either way, I dont belong where I am.

Someday I will find my place. I cannot say if it will be here, in Europe, in a different century, or some other place and time... But I will find where I belong. Some day or another.

For now, I will go to class, do my studying, and learn all I can whilst at University.

As always,
merlin look up

Oh My God Get To Work!

So it is November. FINALLY! While I love October in all its pumpkin eating, dressing up, leaves falling glory it always seems to go on forever and is a constant struggle acedemically. However, it is now done with and we are in November! Which means two things: only one more month to finals, and NaNoWriMo. So.... GAH!

Ive decided to do NaNoWriMo this year, because I love doing it, even though Im stressed and busy beyond belief still... The only catch is that I am doing it on a book I've already started and have worked on a lot previously. Who knows, maybe I'll actually finish it?! Or more likely, I'll get another 10,000 words or so written in it and stop. Again. But you never know. I decided to do an older work because then I will feel less guilty if and when I dont finish, as well as I won't be opening yet another can of worms (or in this case another book). Soooooo.. here we go!

More laters,
merlin look up

I Will Be Real Once Again

I suppose a good day must be followed by a bad day. There has to be balance in the world, and that means not having four really good days in a row.

I spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday loving life, signing the days away with my friends. Meeting new people, making more friends and closer ties with the Deaf Community and getting better at ASL. I loved every minute, and although my knee hurt pretty badly from the moment I woke up (often I was woken up by the pain) until around noon, I couldn't stop smiling and feeling energized. I had a blast at the summer ASL immersion. The last day (Sunday) was also my birthday, and everyone signed the birthday song to me in the morning and afterwards, every four minutes I would turn my head and see someone sign "Happy birthday" to me. After it ended--which was very sad because I kept thinking who knows when I'll have such a good group of people to practice ASL with, and laugh and have fun with…--I went out to dinner with K, CK, and A. Three of my best friends, and I had my first legal drink in America. It was a lot of fun, and it honestly is in my top five birthdays. Not so much because Im now able to drink in America, but because of all the fun memories that were had.

Unfortunately, today was not so great. I woke up in pain (again) and then went to work tired and exhausted. I haven't had a proper nights sleep in almost a week, and my leg hurt. So I took a pain pill. And then felt discouraged that I felt I needed medication to get through the day comfortably. I thought my legs were getting better. And they are--they are so much better! Im running, going to the gym everyday, and am in such good shape. However, I still have bad days with my hips and knees. Today is one of them. And I shouldn't get so easily discouraged, but I do. On top of that, I don't have a car because it is in the shop for a servicing. And I keep getting into little fights with my sister that turn into big fights because neither one of us can control our tempers right now. Its just a mess all around. And I need sleep. And I feel a bit like death. I don't feel motivated to do anything but sleep and maybe cry. Im in a self-pitying kind of slump. And I hate it.

More later,
Keira Knightly Swing

A House, A Home, A Life

I got accepted to the university I've been dreaming about since I decided to major in English. However, now Im faced with trying to find a place to live. Just when I thought all my troubles and stress of transferring was over…. a new one starts. First I thought it was over after applications were sent. Nope, I had to do financial aid stuff and updates. Then after that I had the stress of waiting to hear from schools. Now I have the stress of actually finding how Im going to LIVE when I move away from the only "home" Ive ever known….

Im SOOOO ready to move out and live on my own. Buttttt Im finding it really difficult to find a way to do so. I might just end up living in dorms the first semester or year. It won't be to bad, and I honestly at first wanting to do that. But now that I have my puppy and we've both grown so attached to each other…. I really hate to leave him for any length of time. My sister, who will be living about an hour and a half from me, has offered to take my puppy if I can't for a semester or two. That'd be great, and then I can at least visit him on weekends or something… but still. Its not the same as coming home every day to see his wiggling body and ridiculous grin…. But its better than having to leave him all the way here, at home--5 hours from where I will be going to university.

Part of me is really excited to live in a dorm, because I do think its a tradition that is good to experience. It also would probably be a good transition for me, for moving out for the first time. But the majority of me really hates to even think about not having my puppy… But apartments are RIDICULOUSLY expensive and if I had my dog I would need to be close to campus and then the price goes up even more… plus finding a roommate/housemate.. the list of troubles goes on. Dorms would be easiest. But still...

We shall see how it all goes. At least I got into all the universities that I applied to!!!

More later,

It's an English Thing

I absolutely love my American Sign Language class, and my teacher nominated me for the outstanding student for ASL 101 this year!!!! I feel so honored… I find myself thinking in ASL at times now, which I gotta say, is really weird and a bit uncomfortable. It just feels so unnatural for me! But at the same time, I really like it. I also find myself wanting to sign instead of talk to people, and a lot of the times I start to sign and then remember that no one knows what Im saying… Thats happened only a few times though. But I do think in sign constantly now.

In other news, I have been trying to keep my promise of reading 12 books this year (6 of which will be classics). I am attempting to do one a month, but its not working out so well…. School and work have kept me reallyyyy busy so I haven't had much time to do my reading. But, hopefully I can catch up.

While on the subject of English, I want to start writing again. I really miss it, and I need to start getting my work publicized in newspapers, journals, etc if I do want to get a book published. However… I don't have many short works to publish. Which is why I need to start working on that. Getting some short stories and short nonfiction things going so that I have stuff to submit to journals and magazines.

Anyway, thats about all. Just thought I'd type a quick note up while Im feeling in the mood. And maybe this will help me actually start working towards these goals!!!!

Keira Knightly Swing


I have wanted to learn how to play an instrument for as long as I can remember. Unfortunantly, I just don't have the drive to go out and get lessons. My mom would probably pay for them if I buckled down and found someone to go to. But… alas, I am lazy. Part of it is that I can't decide what instrument I want to play most. The piano is great since pretty much any song can be made into a pain solo and sound good, but the violin has been a dream of mine. Yet I do not posses one and probably couldn't get the money to rent one. Plus they're a lot harder to learn. Same with the guitar. Well, I have a guitar, but Im not that crazy about knowing how to play it. I was when I was younger--hence the reason my mother bought me a guitar when I was around ten. I went to a grand total of three lessons before quitting because they conflicted with my dance classes. Surprise surprise. Dance stopped me from doing so much while growing up. Yet, now that I don't have that conflict I put up my own road blocks. Ugh.

I need to just pick up the phone and sign up for a lesson or two on the piano. I know of a few people who do lessons. Its just a matter of actually getting them. I think it would make me really happy to get into doing something new, too. My life has been pretty much a blur--with a few exceptions--since graduating high school. I go to school, I come home. I work, I do homework. Ive had the same single friend, and very few new and exciting things have happened. I mean there is Europe and there are of course several things that stand out and made my last three years special and different. BUT for the most part its all been the same exact thing, day in and day out.

That needs to change. And getting lessons of some sort would probably really help with that. Ive been searching for dance classes--particularly in tap--but haven't found any studio that looks remotely up to my level. Not to say Im professional, but I did take tap for 9 years and I was pretty good at it. So, music lessons. Or gymnastics--although to be honest I don't know how well my knees would hold up with any athletic related lessons.

Maybe that'll be my goal for December: go to at least one music lesson.

In other news, I got all my UC applications sent in!!!!! Its such a relief to have them all over with! Hopefully I'll get in!

More later,